the Crossroads

My testimony is long, but Jesus did it all for me:These verses out of Gods' Holy Word fit my life perfectly:
Jeremiah 29:11-13 NIV
11] For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12] Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13] You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14] I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

Romans 8:28 NIV
28] And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

The Beginning. FEAR and TORMENT

I was 3 years old, in a hospital, alone, in the dark, and afraid; at 5 years old, and my older brother locked me in the basement, shutting off the light, it was dark and I was afraid, then at 6 years old, and my brother took me up the stairs to the top of the 2nd floor of the garage, it was dark inside, and as we were looking in, my brother introduced me to the "boogey man", and again, I became afraid.
Fear is a terrible thing to live with, and it starts early, doesn't care where it resides.
My childhood was filled with fear and torment, from my older brother, neighbor kids, and parents to into themselves to notice something was drastically wrong, with their little girl.
I hid in my room, not wanting the boogy-man to find me. Mom would come in and tell me to go outside and play in the back yard. I would go, but from every spot in the back yard, the dark windows of the garage could be seen. I knew in my heart "he" could see me, and I was afraid.

1963
Our family moved from upstate NY to a city in southern, NY where a huge prison was.
We were very close, about 2 miles from the prison. Every month, the lights in the city would dim so low, it was like a black out. Someone was dying in an electric chair.
I was always ill, I could not gain weight, and every one in school made fun of me at this time, in my life. One particular day, a kid from school. put a rock in a snowball, and hit me in my face. The one person who had helped put fear in my life, came to my rescue.
It was short lived. Shortly after this we moved away down south.
My Dad began drinking alot, Mom was always gone, my brother gone always at his friends or somewhere. My Dad taught me how to mix his booze, and I stayed home, "taking care of Dad".
Shortly after these times, Dad bought a huge boat, and began taking out people on charters, for deep sea fishing. Then he learned how to scuba dive, and he began teaching his kids too. He had an idea, that if his kids knew how to dive, he would get more people in, we were his incentive, for advertisement. Of course my brother learned quickly, but I didn't. My Dad was always angry at me it seemed, and it was in the pool, that my Dad taught me a lesson I will never forget....
Dads' don't always treat their children the way God intended. Some Dads' make bad mistakes, and in this "mistake", I learned to hate.
I was just 10 years old, and this was the longest year of my life. From living in NYS
and being beaten emotionally, and physically by children my age, and older, to a Dad who needed booze, and to molest his daughter, I didn't think life could get any worse. We moved again, to another part of the south, nearer my grandmother, and my step grandfather. He was an artist, and he hand drew signs, and had his own shop. He was teaching me about his business, paints, colors, blending. I loved it. Every chance I had, I spent with Grandpa. One day, on my Dads' boat, we all were there, except Mom, and Grandma. My Dad was busy with steering, my brother busy doing something, when my Grandpa suddenly grabbed me around my throat, bashing my head against the bait well. Again, fear gripped me, and my hate grew.
1968
In this year, my brother also hurt me in ways, no brother should. Again, I sank deeper into my shell. Knowing no love, in my heart. A very sad child, I was.
In the same year, my parents suddenly got church conscience, and started taking us to a church, and
dropped us off. That was short lived as well. The pastor said we were welcome if only our parents came. It took them a month,or so, but they finally came.
I found Jesus, at a young 15, at first everything seemed real good, and for the first time in my life, I felt loved. I was praying, one night, and I saw Jesus, He had His arms out to me. I was in shock, and I ran and told my brother who had also just came to Jesus, and he said no, it was an illusion. I was sad, to hear this, and doubt of what was real, crept in.
Shortly after this we moved back up north. My Dads' Dad, Gramps was ill, and he died suddenly. I got angry at God, and told him to leave me alone, I wanted nothing to do with Him, as a good God, doesn't kill those we love.
I closed up into a shell, and I did not move from this point. I refused any kind of friendships, refused to go to church for years after this. I wanted no part of the God, who killed. My walk with Jesus was short lived. No one bothered to tell me how to grieve, or that this was part of life, or even that I was loved. (How could a child know of these things, when never told about them?)
1970-1975 I was a loner, pretty much my whole young life, I met a guy, at a block dance and we went out every weekend, for a year. Right after graduation, he asked me to marry him. I thought it was expected, no one told me any different. I said yes. For this, he raped me. ( I didn't tell, I didn't know too.) Within a year, we were married. The day we arrived at our new home, he beat me black and blue. I cried, and he beat me again.
I taught myself not to cry, and to just let him beat me, (No one told me it was wrong). I put up with being beaten for 5 years, every Saturday for 5 years.
In 1975 we were divorced. I gave up my 2 children to my ex to raise, as I had no skills, no job, and he got everything in divorce, because I wasn't smart enough to fight for anything.
1976 - 1982 I joined the Navy. I learned about drugs, booze and having fun (wordly fun). I was introduced to the Satanic Occult, and once this happened, I thought there was no turning back. No one told me any different. I can't say as I was very smart, back then. I met someone in the service, at a party, we got blitzed, and "friends" took us across the state line and we got married. He was an abuser too. Beat me all the time.
Because we didn't get permission from our Chain of Command, we were punished, by having to stay married, until we both got out of the service. After several attempts at suicide, I went for counselling, and was told there was nothing wrong with me other than I had a sad life. In 1982 we were divorced.
My feeble attempts through the years at going to church, were met with more sadness, as every one I met, said I was lost to Jesus, because of dabbling in witchcraft, and the occult. In all these years, I never met anyone who told me Jesus forgives.
In September of 1982, I really got heavily involved with witches, as friends, and drugs, and drinking again. I was a a party, and met this guy, who saved my life from falling off a cliff, in the middle of the night, at an outdoor party in Missouri. He became my self-appointed body guard, and one evening when someone slipped LSD into my drink, I went on a bad trip, lost 7 days out of my life. From that point on, he never left my side. He was lonely, I was lonely, we got married in November of 1982. In August of 1983, we hitch hiked out of Missouri, and went to western NYS.
This part of my life was alot of soul searching, and still, looking for Jesus, thinking I had found a church, finally, attending, thinking I had joy, thinking I knew God. But something was missing and I could not quite put my finger on what was missing. So I continued in my ways. In 1983 I quit the drug scene, and the booze. Totally, but I still had something missing in my life. I was never satisfied, in loving Jesus, and I cried almost all the time.
In 1988 I had to spinal injuries within months of each other. I developed blood clots, in my leg, and almost died. No one came to visit me from the church I was attending, not even the pastor. I was so alone, in my misery. After getting out of the hospital, I was recuperating at home, the doctors orders were 9 months of bed rest, but that only lasted 4 weeks tops, as my husband would not allow this. He made me crawl to the bathroom, as I could not walk from the injury.
Then after I got stronger he bought me crutches, and in a month I was using a cane.
One night my husband brought me a chocolate bar, and that got me involved with my now chocolate business. That was the beginning of my life changing direction.
In 1989, my doctor told me crippling arthritis was forming in my back, lower spine, it was the size of a large grapefruit, and if I didn't get to a dryer climate I would be crippled in a year. After selling everything, we moved to Phoenix Arizona.
1990 My brother/best friend, died. He killed himself, and when that happened, my whole life fell apart. I dove deeper inside myself than ever, and I just shut myself off. I never knew such pain, in my life. And I never wanted to feel again. My brother knew me by a special "pet" name, and only he and I knew this name.
One afternoon, our neighbors came over, the boyfriend of the neighbor girl, said I saw your brother in a vison, and he said to say hi to "....................." I almost died, and satan knew he had me hook, line, and sinker, because at that point I plunged deeper into his world. I went to psyics, had readings done, learned as much as I could. I was an excellent student of the new age religion. I didn't know it was satans world.
A year later my family decided they missed us and sent me a phony letter, stating my Dad had a stroke, and Mom was in the hospital, with bronchitis. It never dawned on us, someone was lying. We sold everything again, and moved back to NYS. When we arrived, I was devastated to learn all was well, in my household. I had just gotten my degree, and my husband was very happy as a night manager in his new job, and we were in process of buying our first home. We lost alot, when we received that letter of deception. Little did I know, how much would change in recieving it. For the next couple of years, my sister, and her family and my Mom, harrassed me to death just about concerning my evil ways of life, and how I needed God in my life.
To shut them up, I occassionally went to church, to show them I was "trying". I didn't think it was a big deal, I had all the religion I wanted, In the new age movement, it is based on spirituality, loving etc., Meditation, out of body experiences, and visual stimulation, automatic writing, crystals, spells, and more. It wasn't until my mind and thoughts were warring within that I knew something was wrong, and I really started getting convicted in my life. Christmas 1993, I asked Jesus to come back into my life, and I promised Him, I would be good. I tried so hard to do just that. I went to church often, and for 8 years, I thought I was living for God, I even got baptised in the river. Then my pastor humiliated me in front of all the church, saying there was no way I was learning, and I was rather "dumb". Then told me my tears were for show. And I needed to get my "act" together. I walked out and never went back.
This was the year that my husband started verbally, and emotionally running me down, and I felt useless, unneeded, and I sunk back into my shell.
In 1999, I was working in a hospital kitchen, and got injured. I was out of work 3 days, when I knew something was really wrong. I went back to the doctors, and they told me if I moved 1/4 inch left or right, I would be paralyzed as the bone fragments looked like fish hooks, and where they were located, surgery could not be done. I had to live in constant pain for another 2 years.
In July 2001, I was invited to a pentacostal church, and I was promised God would heal me. I didn't believe it for a minute, but the lady got my attention, and I finally accepted her invitation. I was healed completely totally that day.
I have since received many gifts from the Lord, but, when you have been abused, and fear lives in you, it is not easy believing you count, or matter to anyone. Especially God. I have suffered panic attacks, depression, thoughts of suicide, filled me all the time. I thought I was Gods' joke. And I thought every one was laughing at me. I had no friends, I never had fun, I stayed at home, and hid when no one was around. And I cried all the time. I wasn't allowed to cry in front of my husband, he didn't like tears, it was a sign of weakness, and it would anger him..
May 2002
God brought me to my knees, and I read a post at a site, and it changed my life.
I clicked on the link to the screen name of that writer, and asked him to show me His God. He did. And I have never been the same. Praise God.
I have had a tough time with understanding, the Bible. On one occassion, my teacher had me discovering through Gods word, a particularly hard verse, (for me), and when I finally got it right, he said "Well done, Grasshopper". I keep this name, as it was the first time I felt like I truly had accomplished something good for God, my teacher, and myself.
God took me on a physical and spiritual journey two summers ago, where I met Him, on a mountain, He gave me all the Love I have missed all these 49 years, in one Embrace, I knew this is where I belong, with my God, my Father, my Lord.
I journeyed to leave behind an abusive marriage, and reclaim my God.
Since my family has since disowned me because of my new found faith. I can't live for them, they have their own choices to make. I love God with every thing I have now, and will continue to do so, as long as I have breath. My teacher, asked: "Little Girl, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
My answer is: "A son of God". ( My second answer is, "A retriever", just like you, my friend ). Part II This is an update and my thoughts: Life did not stop when I walked out of the abused life I left behind. Each day I was on the bus heading to California, I met someone, shared my love of God, and what He had done for me. I made mistakes in judgement, and things were not always rosy when I arrived at my destinataion in southern Ca. I thought my heart would break, as I did not see, that my faith was again being tested. I am so happy, that God chose me to go through all I have. I have met people I would not have otherwise met, and hearts have been changed, because God used me as a mouthpiece for His work. Nothing is about me, it is about God, who loves us so much, if we just believe who HE is,... our Father! The Father of the fatherless, motherless, and so on. I have since left California, and have moved on again. Now living in Kansas, where God is again teaching me through His divine testing. Is it easy? No... believe me, living and learning and growing in God, is not easy, but if you Love Jesus, and ask Him for help, He will help. Jesus wants us to ask questions of our teachers, our friends, and those who have been there done that. Every day is a learning experience, and I still have a long ways to go and grow. But I am thankful, for all things..all.
It has been 3 years and since Jesus brought my special friend, and teacher into my life. I am thankful to him for helping me learn of Gods divine love for me, for all of us. The greatest part is knowing Jesus loves me. He really does, and though we may not understand it at the time, everything we go through, is for our good, if we accept it and believe. Romans 8:28 Always!! My journey is not over, it will continue as long as I am here, the best part is yet to be, when I am home with Jesus.

For now, I am content in learning more of His wonderful love, passing it on to others, as I to dive yet deeper into the knowledge of my Lord. In His love, Grasshopper
Romans 8:28